Do I Matter? How our Inner Story is Shaped in Childhood

If you're here, I know you care deeply about the kids in your life,. Whether you're a parent, educator, therapist, or coach, you want to help them grow up feeling secure, confident and connected.

But have you ever stopped to think about what messages kids are unconsciously absorbing about who they are and how the world works? The way in which we talk to them, respond to their emotions and show up in their hardest moments, all shape a story they carry about themselves, what I call their inner childhood narrative, or ICN.

And here's where it gets interesting...The Enneagram, an ancient personality typing tool, can help us understand these inner stories. Each Enneagram type reflects a unique way a person learned to cope with unmet needs, emotional wounds, or attachment patterns from childhood. When we understand these stories in ourselves, we can break cycles and be more intentional about the messages we pass on to the next generation.

So whether you're wrangling toddlers, guiding teens, or working with kids in a professional setting, this article is for you. Grab a coffee, settle in, and let's talk about how to use our words to build secure, confident kids one conversation at a time. We're going to unpack how our inner childhood narrative, or ICN, is formed and how it shows up with impact to ourselves and those we love. And if you would rather listen, click to my podcast episode here: https://feeds.buzzsprout.com/2370662.rss

As an attachment therapist, Enneagram practitioner, and mom of five, through both birth and adoption, I've seen firsthand how powerful this work can be. I've seen these stories or narratives play out in therapy offices, classrooms, and kitchen tables. More importantly, I've seen what happens when we begin to tell the truth about where the narratives came from. When we name them, not with blame or shame, but with compassion, they begin to lose their grip, and that's where healing begins.

So whether you're a parent, a coach, an educator, or just someone curious about their own journey. I hope you'll find inspiration and practical tools here to help you heal, connect, and grow.

I want to start off today with a quote from Brene Brown that beautifully sets the tone for what this podcast is all about. She writes, owning our story can be hard, but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love, belonging, and joy, the experiences that make us the most vulnerable.

Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light. I love this quote because it speaks to the heart of what we're doing here, examining the inner childhood narrative. This is the script we unconsciously live by, shaped by our earliest experiences and attachments.

Understanding our narratives isn't just about looking back. It's about finding freedom and clarity to move forward for ourselves and for the next generation. So, what exactly is the inner childhood narrative? Simply put, it's the story that we develop in childhood about who we are, what we're worth, and how the world works.

It's influenced by the people and experiences that surrounded us when we were the most vulnerable. As Dr. John Bowlby, the father of attachment theory, explained our earliest relationships act as a blueprint for how we will navigate all future relationships. He described a cycle of needs... A baby, regardless of time, place, or culture will have a need and become unsettled. So they'll cry or let someone know they need help. A caregiver then responds or doesn't respond, making a choice. That creates a mental model for a child about how the world works. What's important to note here is that the child doesn't just observe the caretaker's response. They internalize it. These early moments of attunement or disconnection don't just pass through us.They shape us. They become the emotional blueprint of our nervous system long before we have words to explain what we are feeling.

When our needs are consistently met, our narrative may sound like this: When I have a need, people attend to me. I am loved. I am supported. The world feels safe and predictable, but when our needs are neglected or met with anger or inconsistency, the narrative can shift.

It may sound like this: When I have a need, it goes unmet. I'm alone and unsupported. The world is scary and unsafe. Or ...When I have a need, someone does come, but they come in anger and frustration, and I've learned that I can provoke, but I can't get my real needs met. The world feels chaotic and connection feels frightening.

Our inner childhood narrative doesn't just shape how we see ourselves and our place in the world. It profoundly impacts how we relate to others in relationships. It can determine how we handle conflict, express love, or seek reassurance.

Let me paint a picture for you. Imagine two kids both fall off their bikes and scrape their knees. Both cry, but their caregivers respond very differently. Caregiver "A" rushes over and says, oh my goodness, that was scary, but look at you. You're so brave. Let's get you cleaned up. I've got you. While Caregiver "B" sighs and says, come on. You're fine. It's just a scratch. Stop crying. Now, neither response is meant to harm the child, but over time these patterns create two very different inner childhood narratives.

Child "A" internalizes: When I'm hurt, people show up. My emotions are validated. I can be brave and supported at the same time. While child "B" internalizes, my pain is inconvenient. I should suppress my emotions if I struggle. It's better if I'm on my own. And here's the thing, these narratives don't just stay in childhood.

They shape how we handle relationships, stress, and even self-worth in adulthood. They can influence how we parent our own kids, set boundaries or seek reassurance from others. So, how do we make sure we're helping kids develop a healthy inner narrative? Here are three small but powerful shifts in how we can talk to kids that make a big impact on their inner world.

1. Validate before you fix

   Instead of jumping straight into fixing, dismissing or minimizing emotions, acknowledge what the child is feeling first. Instead of "stop crying, it's not a big deal." Say something like, "I see that you're upset. That was tough, wasn't it?" This helps because naming emotions, especially with empathy, teaches kids that their feelings matter and gives them a foundation for self-regulation.

2. Get curious

   When kids act out, it's easy to respond with frustration, but behavior is communication. So instead of assuming something is wrong with them, try to understand what is happening inside of them. Instead of saying, "why are you acting like this?" Say something like, "you seem really frustrated right now.

   What's going on?" This helps because kids, just like us, don't often have the words for their big emotions. Your curiosity helps them develop emotional language and self-awareness.

   
   

3. Praise effort, not just outcome.

   A child's inner narrative is shaped by what they believe they must do to earn approval. If we only praise results, they may develop a belief that says, "I'm only worthy when I succeed." So instead of saying. "You are so smart." Say something like, "wow, I love how hard you worked on that." This helps because praising effort instead of fixed traits builds resilience, competence, and a growth mindset.

Now, here's something we don't always think about. Our own inner childhood narrative is shaping how we respond to kids. Have you ever caught yourself saying something that sounded exactly like how your parents spoke to you? Maybe it's a phrase, a tone or reaction that you swore you would never use, but it just comes out.

That's your ICN in action. So before we change how we talk to kids, we have to check in with ourselves. When you feel triggered by a child's behavior, pause and ask, "What story is running in my head right now?" When a child's emotion feels overwhelming, ask, "Am I reacting based on my past or responding based on their needs?"

The more aware we are, the more we can break cycles instead of unconsciously passing them down. If you remember nothing else from this episode, please hold onto these three powerful messages that every child needs to hear. I see you. Your emotions matter. I hear you. Your voice is important. You are loved no matter what.

Your worth isn't based on how well you behave, perform, or please others. Because at the end of the day, kids are constantly asking in a thousand different ways, do I matter? Do you love me? And am I safe? And when we respond with presence and intention, we answer, yes! So, here's my challenge for you this week...

Notice the words you use with kids in your life. How are your words shaping their inner narrative? Where can you shift your language to encourage emotional security and resilience? And where is your own inner childhood narrative showing up?

If you found this helpful, please make sure to hit subscribe and be kind to yourself. This work isn't about being a perfect parent, teacher, or therapist. It's about being present and intentional because the way we talk to kids today is shaping their tomorrow.